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  1. #46
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    These Bulls Do a Hell of a Job

    A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and watches the auctioning off of bulls for stud.

    The man selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."



    The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: "See! That was 5 times a month!"

    The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
    Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"

    Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison... The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"


    The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"



    The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back:


    "Sure, but why don't you ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!!!"
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  2. #47
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    Subject:Fw: Grandma



    Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
    In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called ...his first witness,
    a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

    He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

    She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy,
    and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
    manipulate people and talk about them behin d their backs. You think you're a big shot when
    you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

    Yes, I know you.


    'The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
    Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

    She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy,
    bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his
    law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
    different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

    The defense attorney nearly died.

    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either
    of you idiots asks her i f she knows me, you’ll both hang.
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  3. #48
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    Joke: Be Brave, My Love!


    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair while tying the girl to the bed. He gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to sleep with you, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  4. #49
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    The Pharmacist Had Never Had a Similar Request Before...

    Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."


    The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later."

    The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at a drug store, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them."

    The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning, sister," the pharmacist said, "what can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please," said the nun.

    The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box." "I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week," said the nun.

    The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the 'big liar' size."


    The sister thought for a minute and finally said: "I'm not certain, I'm looking for something to put on a camel."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  5. #50
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    A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

    One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

    He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

    He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?

    I still have one good arm to do things with." He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

    He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.

    He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

    He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

    He said, "I'm NOT happy.
    My balls itch."

    Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eye.
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  6. #51
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    My kind’a little girl.

    An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

    The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

    "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
    "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

    The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

    To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know shit?"

    And then she went back to reading her book.
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  7. #52
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    Apparently What Works for Some Doesn't Work for Others...

    Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives.

    All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.

    After a few days they met up for lunch and compared notes.

    The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

    He saw me and said: 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

    The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.

    When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night!"

    The married woman said: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night, when my husband came home.

    I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

    As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said: 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  8. #53
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    The Visit to the Strip Club Didn't Go As Planned



    John worked hard for his living and his wife decided that he deserved a treat for his birthday, so she blindfolded him and took him to a local strip club.


    The doorman at the club greeted them and said, "Hey, John! How ya doin?"

    Once inside, his wife removed the blindfold but she was puzzled and asked if he'd been to this club before.

    joke

    "Oh no," said John. "He's one of the security guys I meet on my business trips."

    When they were seated, a waitress asked John if he'd like his usual and brought over a Budweiser.

    His wife was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and said, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

    "I recognize her, she's the waitress at the bar around the corner from work. I always drop in and have a Bud on Fridays, honey.”

    A stripper then came over to their table, threw her arms around John, started to rub herself all over him and said, "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

    John's wife, now furious, grabbed her purse and stormed out of the club. John followed and spotted her getting into a cab. Before she could slam the door, he jumped in beside her.

    health, elm
    John tried desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife was having none of it. She was screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

    The cabby turned around and said, "Geez John, you picked up a real piece of work this time."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  9. #54
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    Subject: FW: Fwd: Arab walks into a bar...


    A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a
    guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional
    locks of hair.

    He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.

    So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear,
    "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."

    Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile,
    waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

    This infuriates the Arab.

    He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

    As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.

    He continues to smile, and again yells,"Thank you!"

    The Arab asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew?
    I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all
    the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

    "Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  10. #55
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    A guy wakes up in the morning and tells his wife: “Wow darling, you won’t believe what happened. I dreamed I was forced to eat a live sheep and now I can’t see my pillow anywhere!”
    The wife answers, “The pillow’s fine, it’s lying right there on the floor, but I have been calling our dog in vain for the past 5 minutes!”

  11. #56
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    A real tear jerker.



    Subject: Missing wife . . .
    A husband went to the police station to report his missing wife:
    Husband : I've lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
    Sergeant : What is her height ?
    Husband : Oh, 5 something, maybe 5,5
    Sergeant : Build?
    Husband : Not slim, not really fat, but could loose a few.
    Sergeant : Color of eyes?
    Husband : Dark. Not sure - maybe Brown.
    Sergeant : Color of hair?
    Husband : Changes according to season - lightish brown now .
    Sergeant : What was she wearing?
    Husband : I don't remember exactly but she wears jeans a lot.
    Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
    Husband : yes.
    Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
    Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray
    metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injectiongenerating 460 HP.
    8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and Black leather GT bucket seats,
    and has a very thin scratch on the front left door near the....... at this point the husband started crying...
    Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We'll find your car.
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  12. #57
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    A Near Death Experience Inspires Big Changes

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    Sharon Lipshitz, a middle-aged woman, is walking down the street one day when she suddenly has a heart attack. She is quickly taken to the hospital, where it was determined she must undergo emergency surgery.


    While on the operating table, she has a near death experience, where she finds herself standing next to her unconscious body. Suddenly, she sees the Angel of Death standing next to her.

    "That's it? I'm dead?" She asks him.

    "NOT YET," says the Grim Reaper. "You will live another 20 years at least." He then disappears and Sharon wakes up in her own body.

    Upon her recovery, Sharon is told that she was close to death, but miraculously made a full recovery. Sharon decides that she is going to really live in the 20 years she has left. Since she's got another 20 years, she might as well make the most of it. She decides to stay at the hospital and get a boob job, a nose surgery, liposuction - the works.


    Like

    She walks out of the hospital looking 20 years younger. Her body looks great and she has a huge smile on her face. She takes two steps and is immediately hit by a passing ambulance, which kills her on the spot.

    She stands next to her body, and suddenly sees the Angel of Death.

    "Hey you!" she says angrily, "What gives? You said I had 20 more years!"

    The Angel of Death looks at her, surprised. "Sharon," he leans closer, "is that YOU? I didn't even recognize you!"

    Moral of the story: There's nothing wrong with making yourself look good, but if you want to live your life properly, live them as you are and not as anyone else!
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  13. #58
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    Being Catholic Can Cause Problems in the Bedroom


    Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."


    The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."

    The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

    "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

    "Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  14. #59
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    A Visit to the Circus and 20 Elephant Questions

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    Little Timmy and his parents went to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, Timmy turned to his mom and asked, "What's that hanging down from that elephant?


    "His mom said, "That's the elephant's trunk."

    Timmy said, "No, not that. Back underneath the elephant."

    His mom, embarrassed, said. "That's nothing."

    Timmy isn't satisfied with her response, and turns to his father, "Dad, what's that hanging down underneath that elephant?"

    Dad says, "That's the elephant's penis."

    "Mom said it was nothing."

    "I know, son. I've really spoiled that woman."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  15. #60
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    When Your Ball Strays Into Other Balls

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    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching his hands together to his groin, rolling around in obvious agony.


    The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll allow me" she told him.



    "Oh no I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man grunted, still lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

    "Don't be silly, Let me help!" she told him and, following her persistence, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside. She administered tender and skillful massage for several long moments and then asked "How does that feel?"

    He replied, "It feels terrific, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

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