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  1. #31
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    Subject: Apology from an Irish Hospital... SUCH COMPASSION


    DEAR MR. MURPHY,


    We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness
    on your penis showed it was not cancerous.

    It was lipstick.

    We deeply regret the amputation
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  2. #32
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    Hilarious Joke: Blonde Waitress Confused By Trucker's Order


    A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."



    The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is... an auto parts store?"

    "No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."



    "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.



    The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

    She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  3. #33
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    Fireman Love Life

    A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."

    "From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way."

    "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked.

    When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.

    When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night."






    The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes.

    "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed.

    "Bell 3," and they began to make love.

    After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"

    "What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks.

    "Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  4. #34
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    Joke: The Rain...


    A man goes into the confession booth at church.

    "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

    "What is your sin, my son?" Asks the priest.

    "Well, about a month ago I was in the library until closing time, and when I wanted to leave it started to rain very heavily and didn't let up. After some time me and the librarian lost our patience and... well.. partied all night, if you catch my drift."
    "That is bad but not horrible, my son," Said the priest, "if it is a one-time slip, God will forgive you."

    "That's just the thing," said the man, "about a week ago I helped my neighbor fix her shutters, and when I wanted to go home it started raining heavily and... well.. you know, all night long."

    The priest remains silent.priest

    The man covers his face in his hands and starts sobbing, "What should I do now, father?"

    "What should you DO??" Screamed the priest, "You should get out of here right now before it rains!"
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  5. #35
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    Joke: The 3 Kick Rule


    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa.



    Eventually he shot down a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over it, the elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."



    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

    The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

    The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurred on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

    His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

    His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

    The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.



    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "You know what? Take the duck."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  6. #36
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    Blond Stewardess

    A new blonde stewardess began her first day. The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms.

    The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing.

    He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't get out of my room!"

    “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

    The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  7. #37
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    my aunt had passed away.”

    A manager walks by his blonde secretary's desk when he notices she is crying her eyes out. Concerned for her well being, he asks her gently: "What's the matter?"

    To which the blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my aunt had passed away.”

    The boss, feeling very sorry for her, suggests to the young girl. “Why don’t you take a day, go home and rest. We're not very busy, so just take this time for yourself.

    The blonde very calmly replies “No, I’d be better off here. It's good to keep my mind off of it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”

    The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything just let me know.”

    Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, “What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?”

    “No”, exclaims the blonde, “I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that HER aunt died too!”
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  8. #38
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    After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
    As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone--as so many people do without consideration of others.

    She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
    Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

    When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
    "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  9. #39
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    Joke: A Kind Act...

    A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. She screamed at him: "You're a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I'm your faithful wife!" She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: "Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!"

    "Fine!" sobbed the angry wife, "but they will be your LAST words to me!"


    "Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home. She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.

    Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.


    She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don't wear because the colors don't suit you.


    Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.


    Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, "Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn't use anymore?"
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  10. #40
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    10 Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter!

    While dads may be glad to see their daughter happy or in love, when it comes to father and daughters, there are some hard line rules that NO suitor should cross, unless they want to meet the kind of special wrath only angry dads can dish out. Here are 10 rules from a father to a teenage daughter:

    Rule One:

    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:

    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them for you.

    Rule Three:


    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:

    You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:


    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:

    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six:


    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:


    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:

    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is
    darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat.

    Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:

    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:

    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.

    As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window - ismine.
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  11. #41
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    Baseball Capsules
    August 7, 2016

    DENVER (AP) Ichiro Suzuki grounded out in his first try at 3,000 hits and the Miami Marlins, despite a 504-foot home run by Giancarlo Stanton, lost to the Colorado Rockies 12-6 on Saturday night.

    Suzuki had a pinch-hit infield single in the eighth inning for No. 2,999 and stayed in the game to play right field. In the ninth, with many in the crowd at Coors Field standing, Suzuki hit a comebacker to Scott Oberg. The 6-foot-2 pitcher reached high to get the ball before it went up the middle and, after dropping the transfer, quickly gathered it to barely throw out the speedy Suzuki. The 42-year-old Japanese star will become the 30th player in major league history to reach 3,000 with his next hit.

    Stanton's 23rd homer was the longest in the major leagues this season and the longest in Coors Field history. Stanton connected in the fifth on an 89 mph changeup from Chad Bettis (10-6), sending a drive into the seats in left-center field for a 3-2 lead. Hall of Fame catcher Mike Piazza held the record for the longest homer at Coors, hitting a 496-footer in 1997 when he was with Los Angeles.

    Suzuki batted for the All-Star Home Run Derby champion in the eighth.

    Charlie Blackmon homered among his four hits and drove in four runs for the Rockies, and rookie David Dahl had three hits to extend his hitting streak to 12 games.

    Andrew Cashner (4-8) was the loser.

    CUBS 4, ATHLETICS 1

    OAKLAND, Calif. (AP) - Jake Arrieta pitched eight innings of three-hit ball to get his first victory in over a month, leading Chicago past Oakland.

    Arrieta (13-5) was 0-3 in his previous five starts and 1-4 since ending a 20-decision winning streak June 22. He struck out four and walked one on 108 pitches.

    The NL Central-leading Cubs have won five straight and 16 of 22. The A's have lost seven of eight.

    Ben Zobrist's two-out two-run single off former A's teammate Sonny Gray broke a scoreless tie in the top of the third. Gray (5-11) left after five innings with soreness in his right forearm. He allowed two runs on five hits. Zobrist and Addison Russell had two hits each for the Cubs.

    TIGERS 6, METS 5


    DETROIT (AP) - J.D. Martinez threw Jay Bruce out at the plate on the final play of the game, enabling Detroit to hold off New York.

    New York trailed 6-1 before rallying with two runs each in the fifth and seventh. With men on first and second and two out in the ninth, Travis d'Arnaud poked a single into right field. Martinez charged the ball, and his one-hop throw home was in time to get Bruce.

    Miguel Cabrera drove in three runs for the Tigers. They have won 10 of 11 and trail AL Central-leading Cleveland by two games.

    Detroit's Matt Boyd (3-2) allowed three runs and six hits in five innings, and New York's Logan Verrett (3-7) yielded six runs and seven hits in 3 2/3 innings. Martinez's throw gave Francisco Rodriguez his 32nd save.

    BREWERS 15, DIAMONDBACKS 6


    PHOENIX (AP) - Ryan Braun tied a team record by driving in seven runs, hitting two homers and powering Milwaukee past Arizona.

    Booed by Diamondbacks fans every time he came up to bat, Braun hit a pair of three-run homers and also had a sacrifice fly. He has 18 home runs this season and 25 career multihomer games.

    Brewers leadoff man Jonathan Villar reached base six times and scored three runs, and Keon Broxton went 5 for 5 with two RBIs in Milwaukee's highest-scoring game of the season.

    Matt Garza (3-4) pitched a season-high 6 1/3 innings, giving up two earned runs and three hits.

    Patrick Corbin (4-11) allowed four runs on eight hits and five walks in five-plus innings.

    Jean Segura homered in the ninth for Arizona.

    DODGERS 3, RED SOX 0

    LOS ANGELES (AP) - Newly promoted Ross Stripling and the Dodgers bullpen combined on a five-hitter, leading Los Angeles over Boston.

    Adrian Gonzalez had three hits and drove in a run. Red Sox slugger David Ortiz played first base for the first time this season and made two nice catches, but the veteran designated hitter went 0 for 3.

    Stripling (3-3) pitched five innings after being called up from the minors when pitcher Bud Norris was put on the disabled list. Making his first start for the Dodgers since May 19, he gave up hits to the first two Boston batters. Stripling allowed four hits and a walk, striking out four.

    Grant Dayton followed with two scoreless innings and Joe Blanton worked the eighth. Kenley Jansen closed for his National League-leading 33rd save. Eduardo Rodriguez (2-5) was the loser.

    GIANTS 7, NATIONALS 1

    WASHINGTON (AP) - Eduardo Nunez got four hits, including two triples and a double off Nationals ace Stephen Strasburg, and San Francisco beat Washington.

    Brandon Belt homered, doubled and singled to help the Giants end Washington's four-game winning streak in a matchup of NL division leaders.

    Matt Cain (4-6) won his third straight start, pitching five shutout innings and scattering five hits. Last Sunday, he threw five no-hit innings to beat the Nationals at home.

    Strasburg (15-2) was trying to become the first pitcher with 16 wins this season. Instead, he lasted only 4 2/3 innings in his shortest outing this year, giving up four runs and eight hits.

    WHITE SOX 4, ORIOLES 2


    CHICAGO (AP) - Omar Navarez's foul ball turned into a tiebreaking RBI single in the seventh inning after a replay challenge, and Chicago beat Chris Tillman and Baltimore.

    With the bases loaded and nobody out, Navarez hit a pop to shallow left off Mychal Givens. Third baseman Manny Machado tried to make an over-the-shoulder catch, but the ball dropped and umpire Mike Winters immediately ruled it foul. Replays showed the ball hit the foul line. Pinch-runner J.B. Shuck was awarded home and Navarez got a single.

    Nate Jones (5-2) got four outs, and David Robertson worked the ninth for his 27th save.

    Tillman (14-4) allowed two singles to lead off the seventh before he was lifted.

    Adam Eaton hit a solo homer in the eighth, and Tyler Saldino also homered for the White Sox.

    INDIANS 5, YANKEES 2


    NEW YORK (AP) - Corey Kluber put Cleveland's rotation back on track, Andrew Miller earned a save against the team that traded him last weekend and the Indians beat New York.

    Mike Napoli, Jason Kipnis and Rajai Davis homered to help the AL Central leaders recover from an early two-run deficit. Kluber (11-8) struck out eight in eight innings of five-hit ball, beating CC Sabathia (6-9) in a matchup of pitchers who won the AL Cy Young Award with Cleveland.

    Miller closed with a one-hit ninth for his first save with Cleveland. The lanky left-hander, acquired Sunday in a blockbuster trade, entered to a warm ovation at Yankee Stadium and fanned two batters following a leadoff single. Miller's first nine saves this year came with the Yankees.

    MARINERS 8, ANGELS 6

    SEATTLE (AP) - Shawn O'Malley capped Seattle's comeback with a three-run home run in the seventh inning and the Mariners rallied from a four-run deficit to beat Los Angeles.

    A few hours after the Mariners retired Ken Griffey Jr.'s No. 24 during an emotional pregame ceremony, O'Malley turned on an 0-1 pitch from Deolis Guerra and drove it into the right-field seats.

    Seattle scored four times in the seventh thanks to three straight walks by reliever Jose Valdez (0-1). Leonys Martin's sacrifice fly pulled Seattle to 6-5 before O'Malley's shot.

    Drew Storen (2-3) got the final out of the seventh to pick up the victory, and Edwin Diaz pitched the ninth for his fourth save.

    PIRATES 5, REDS 3


    PITTSBURGH (AP) - Ivan Nova pitched seven innings to win his first start with Pittsburgh, Homer Bailey struggled in his second start since having Tommy John surgery and the Pirates beat Cincinnati.

    Nova (8-6) was acquired from the New York Yankees on Monday and gave up three runs and six hits with five strikeouts and no walks. He allowed Brandon Phillips' two solo homers.

    Starling Marte welcomed reliever Josh Smith with a two-run single in the fourth to give the Pirates a 5-2 lead. Marte and Josh Harrison each had two hits.

    Tony Watson pitched a perfect ninth for his second save in three chances since All-Star closer Mark Melancon was traded to Washington. Bailey (1-1) took the loss.

    ROYALS 4, BLUE JAYS 2


    KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) - Danny Duffy outpitched Aaron Sanchez, stopping the Toronto ace's 10-game winning streak and leading Kansas City past the Blue Jays.

    Duffy (8-1), who struck out a team-record 16 and permitted just one hit over eight innings at Tampa Bay in his previous start, won his seventh straight decision. He held Toronto to two runs and five hits over 6 2-3 innings. Kelvin Herrera worked a perfect ninth for his fourth save.

    Sanchez (11-2) hadn't lost since April 22. He allowed four runs and nine hits in six innings.

    Devon Travis led off the game with a home run for the second straight night. He also had an RBI single in the fifth.

    PADRES 9, PHILLIES 7


    SAN DIEGO (AP) - San Diego starter Paul Clemens briefly wore the wrong uniform but still outpitched Jake Thompson in the Philadelphia right-hander's major league debut.

    Clemens began with his usual No. 47, but was asked to change his jersey by the umpires because it had a foreign substance on it. Clemens switched to No. 91 with ''Player'' in the nameplate. He later switched back to his No. 47 before exiting the game after 4 1/3 innings.

    Thompson (0-1) gave up six runs and seven hits in 4 1/3 innings. Buddy Baumann (1-0) relieved Clemens and pitched 1 2/3 innings with three strikeouts to earn the victory.

    Christian Bethancourt and Yangervis Solarte each had three RBIs for San Diego

    Ryan Howard and Jimmy Paredes homered for Philadelphia.

    RANGERS 3, ASTROS 2


    HOUSTON (AP) - Jonathan Lucroy homered twice, Carlos Beltran had a tiebreaking single and three hits and Texas beat Houston.

    The first-place Rangers improved to 10-2 against the Astros this season and pulled 6 1/2 games ahead of Houston in the AL West.

    Beltran singled to left off Chris Devenski (0-3) in the seventh to score Shin-Soo Choo and make it 2-1. Beltran left after the inning with a left quad contusion. Lucroy hit his second home run in the eighth off Tony Sipp for his seventh career multihomer game and first this season.

    Keone Kela (2-1) pitched a perfect sixth inning, and Sam Dyson got his 24th save.

    BRAVES 13, CARDINALS 5


    ST. LOUIS (AP) - Freddie Freeman and Adonis Garcia hit three-run home runs and Atlanta got enough from Roberto Hernandez in his first start of the season to beat St. Louis.

    The 35-year-old Hernandez (1-0), who previously pitched under the name Fausto Carmona, was the 14th starting pitcher used by the Braves this season, one off the franchise record in 1975. He allowed three runs in five-plus innings in his first start since last July with Houston.

    Carlos Martinez (10-7) surrendered a season-worst seven runs, and his six earned runs matched his season worst. Ender Inciarte and Matt Kemp each had two-run homers during a six-run ninth. Inciarte had three hits to extend his hitting streak to 17 games.

    RAYS 7, TWINS 3


    ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. (AP) - Evan Longoria, Bobby Wilson and Logan Forsythe homered to back starter Chris Archer in Tampa Bay's victory over Minnesota.

    Archer (6-15) won for the third time in his last 15 starts. He allowed one run and three hits in six innings and struck out seven to regain the American League lead with 168.

    Alex Colome got the final two outs for his 27th save after the Twins rallied for two runs in the ninth. Longoria and Wilson homered off Minnesota starter Jose Berrios (2-2).
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  12. #42
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    Joke: The High Price of Silence

    While her husband was busy at work one day, a bored housewife took a lover into her bedroom for some illicit fun, completely unaware that her nine year old son was silently hiding in the closet. And when her husband came home unexpectedly, she desperately hid her forbidden lover in the very same closet. The boy now had company, and broke the ice by whispering into the man's ear:

    "Dark in here, isn't it, sir."
    Man: "Yes it is."
    Boy: "I have a baseball."
    Man: "That's nice."

    Boy: "Want to buy it?"
    Man: "No, thanks."
    Boy: "My dad's right outside."
    Man: "OK, how much?"
    Boy: "250 dollars."

    After a few weeks, it happened again - the boy's father came home early, and the boy and the mom's lover ended up in the closet together.

    Boy: "Dark in here."
    Man: "Yes, it is."
    Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
    Man: "That's nice."
    Boy: "Want to buy it?"
    Man: "I really don't."
    Boy: "I'll tell."
    Man: "How much?"
    Boy: "750 dollars."
    Man: "Fine."

    A few days later, the father said to his boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy said, "I can't. I sold them." The father asked, "How much did you sell them for?" The son said, "1,000 dollars." The father said, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

    They went to church and the father alerted the priest, and made the little boy sit in the confession booth and closed the door.
    The boy said, "Dark in here."

    The priest said, "Oh, don't start that again!"
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  13. #43
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    Have You Heard This One? Best Baseball Buddies!

    Sam and Dean were best of friends as well as two of the biggest baseball fans the world has ever seen.

    All of their lives, Sam and Dean would talk about baseball. They went to all the games they could get to. They even made a pact, as kids, that when one of them dies - the other will return to tell him if heaven has baseball games.


    One night, after watching a Yankee victory, Sam happily dies. A few night later, his buddy Dean wakes up to a familiar sound - it's Sam, and he's talking to him from beyond.

    "Sam, is that you?" Asks Dean.

    "Sure is, buddy!" replies Sam.

    "Wow this is amazing!" exclaims Dean. "So, please tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

    "Well," answers Sam. "I have some good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?"

    "Give me the good news first."

    "Ok, well the good news is that the answer is yes, there is baseball in heaven."

    "That's incredible! So what's the bad news, then?"

    "You're pitching tomorrow night."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  14. #44
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    SIN CITY
    Posts
    68,555
    Credits
    75,010

    Default

    MEN JOKES


    A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT BLONDE FEMALES FLOAT AROUND THE INTERNET BUT SOME MAY BE SURPRISED THAT THERE IS A WHOLE GROUP OF JOKES ABOUT MEN THAT MANY DO NOT SEE. ENJOY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN.

    One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

    'It depends,' I replied.‘What does it say on your shirt?'

    He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'

    And they say blondes are dumb....

    ------------ --------- --------- ---------

    A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

    The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.

    ------------ --------- -------

    'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

    'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

    ------------ --------- --------- ---------

    Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

    A: A rumor
    --------- --------- --------- ----

    Dear Lord,
    I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

    Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

    AMEN
    ---- --------- --------- --------
    Q: Why do little boys whine?

    A: They are practicing to be men.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

    Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

    A: Trustworthy. .
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
    Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

    A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
    Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

    A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
    Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

    A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
    While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world

    ......then He made the earth round.
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  15. #45
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    SIN CITY
    Posts
    68,555
    Credits
    75,010

    Default

    Are You Sure He's Mine?

    Walter and Linda were a middle aged couple blessed with two beautiful daughters.

    Although they felt incredibly lucky for having their girls, Walter and Linda always yearned for a boy.

    They began trying for another baby, and it wasn’t long before Linda became pregnant.

    Nine months later, they welcomed a baby boy into the world.

    Walter was at work when his wife was rushed to hospital, so he got there as quickly as he could.

    To his horror, his son was absolutely hideous, especially when considering how beautiful his daughters were.

    “How can I possibly be the father of that ugly baby?” he exclaimed to his wife. “It’s just not possible that I fathered him after we had those two beautiful girls.”

    Linda blushed, which made him suspicious. “Have you been fooling around behind my back?” he asked.

    “Not this time, honey.”
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

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