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  1. #16
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    Text Messages Can Get Misconstrued So Easily...

    The First Text Message


    Dear John, this is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.

    I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

    Regards, Alan.

    The Response


    John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and went out into the garden for some fresh air. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.


    The Second Text Message


    Hi John,

    This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to ˜Wife”. Technology hey?? Hope you saw the funny side of that.

    Regards, Alan.
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  2. #17
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    The 7 Kinds of Sex (Adult)

    Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

    The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

    * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone,
    and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

    The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

    * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

    The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

    * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

    The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

    * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

    The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

    * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

    The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

    * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

    And, last, but not least:

    The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

    * You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself!
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  3. #18
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    Joke: The Fancy Nursing Home

    With their ailing mother needing constant medical supervision, a family decided to bring her to a very expensive and caring nursing home for a day to try it out.

    The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

    Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her out. Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

    This goes on all morning, with the dedicated nurses making sure the old woman doesn't fall. Later, the family arrives to see how she was adjusting to her new home.

    "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

    "It’s very nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  4. #19
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    Joke: The Last Day

    Finally, it was Ned the Mailman’s last day.

    As he did his final rounds, he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by a elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house he received a box of fine cigars.

    But at the next house he was greeted by a sexy blonde wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signaled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and proceeded to make mad passionate love to him. Ned certainly didn't mind.

    She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs and hashbrowns. Ned was truly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.

    Curious, he asks the blonde, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything...but…what’s the dollar for?”

    “Oh,” says the blonde, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement. He said ‘Screw him! give him a dollar!"

    She beamed at him. "The breakfast part was my idea!”
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  5. #20
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    Joke Today: How to Enjoy a Peaceful Marriage


    A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married. 'Divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn't end up fighting with all the time.'

    'Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village, rumor has it that they have been married over 60 years and they never fought this whole time.'

    'What?? That's impossible! Everyone has fights!' Exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.

    The traveler just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.

    'It's true, we never fight.'

    'PLEASE,' Begged the traveler, 'can you tell me your secret??'

    'Well,' said the old man, 'It all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him “That's one.”.

    We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: "That's two."

    Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: “That's three.” pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice! I was shocked and yelled at her: "What the heck do you think you're doing?? We needed that mule! Are you crazy???"

    My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: "That's one."

    And we haven't had a fight since.'
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  6. #21
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    Men, Women and The Train...

    Three women and three men are traveling by train to a conference.

    At the station, the three men each buy tickets and watch as the three women buy only a single ticket. ”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the guys. ”Watch and you’ll see,” answers a woman.

    All of them board the train. The men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

    The men saw this and agreed it was a clever idea. So after the conference, the men decide to copy the women on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the women don’t buy a ticket at all.

    ”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one of the perplexed men. ”Watch and you’ll see,” is the answer.

    When they board the train the three men cram into a restroom and the three women cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the women leaves her restroom and walks over to the restroom where the men are hiding. She knocks on the door and says in a low voice, “Ticket, please.”
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  7. #22
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    Joke: Best Reason to See a Therapist


    An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.

    The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

    The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

    The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

    When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'

    He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye.



    The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

    This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

    Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

    The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

    The Holiday Inn charges $98.

    The Hilton charges $139.

    We do it here for $50, and best of all....

    Medicare pays $43 of it.'
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  8. #23
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    This Dentist is Rather Unorthodox, As You Shall See...

    The other day, a gentleman went to the dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.


    The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
    "No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said.

    The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
    "I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

    The dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
    "No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".
    The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

    The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

    "It doesn't", said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  9. #24
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    Rude Joke: A Baby's First Visit to the Doctor


    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

    Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

    "Breast-fed," she replied.

    "Well! We'll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

    She undressed and the doctor began his exam.

    He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes.

    Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,

    "No wonder this baby is underweight - you don't have any milk!"

    "I know," she said. "I'm his Grandma, but I'm certainly glad I came."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  10. #25
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    Have You Heard This One? Son, I Have a Secret...

    One Sunday morning Michael burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

    After dinner, Michael's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk to you. Look at your mother, Michael. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. I'm afraid Susan is the result of one such affair. She is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

    Michael was brokenhearted. He broke up with Susan the next day.


    After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, Michael. I'm awfully sorry about this."

    Michael was livid! He broke up with Diane that same day, leaving her in tears. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared and tell her about his father's secret.

    "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

    "Oh, " his mother shook her head, "What are you listening to him for? He's not even your real father."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  11. #26
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    Joke: Next Floor, Please.


    A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have jobs.

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men Have jobs and love kids.

    "That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


    Floor 3 - These men Have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

    "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

    "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  12. #27
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    The Blonde Gambler...

    A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles at the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.

    "I hope you don't mind," she says in a dreamy voice, "but I feel much luckier naked..." and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. "Come on baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!"

    The roulette wheel stops on 13. "I won I WON!!!" Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement

    She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.

    The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: "Did she bet on 13?"

    "I don't know," said the other dealer. "I thought you were looking..."


    Conclusions:

    1. Not every gamble relies on luck.

    2. Not all blondes are stupid.

    3. But men - are always MEN!
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  13. #28
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    Joke Today: A Back Seat Blonde!

    A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty well and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go to the back seat.

    ''No!'' said the blonde.

    The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would ask again.

    ''NO!'' yelled the blonde again.

    Things got even hotter and the blonde was down to her bra and the guy even had his pants unzipped.

    ''Do you wanna go to the back seat now?'' asked the guy, in a hopeful tone.

    ''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde.

    Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the heck not??''

    The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I want to stay here with you!'
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  14. #29
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    Joke: Dad Gets Owned By Mom (Rude)


    A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father: “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”



    The father, surprised, answers. “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”



    This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willys are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree - mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

    “Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

  15. #30
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    Joke: The Secret of Confession

    A boy confesses to his priest.
    'Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

    The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

    'Yes, father, it is.'

    'And who was the girl you were with?'



    'I can't tell you, father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

    'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'


    'I cannot say.'

    'Was it Nancy Connor?'

    'I'll never tell.'

    'Was it Judy Cohen?'

    'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

    'Was it Kate Takenyo?'

    'My lips are sealed.'

    'Was it Rose DeMarco, then?'

    'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'


    The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'



    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'


    Joey produces a sly smile: 'A four month holiday and five good leads...'
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

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