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Thread: Cnotes Joke of the Day........Enjoy the day with a laugh !!

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    Default Cnotes Joke of the Day........Enjoy the day with a laugh !!

    A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

    "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

    Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

    The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you!"

    woman smiling

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

    They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.

    She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

    He slips both of his hands under her BRA and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each one of her... He gently pinches them as well. He pushes her assets together and rubs them against each other.
    senior laughing
    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her assets, removes his hands, and says. "Madam, you are 50."
    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible! How could you tell??"

    "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

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    7/7 Thursday's Joke

    Great story that will bring a chuckle to your soul....

    The king wanted to go fishing. He called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

    On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him." So the king continued on his way.

    However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
    Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

    So the king hired the donkey.

    And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
    The practice is unbroken to this date and the democrat symbol was born!
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

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    Good ones especially the second one!
    Common sense is not so common.
    “You can have everything you want in life if you help enough other people get what they want out of life.” Zig Ziglar

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    Quote Originally Posted by StarDust Bum View Post
    And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
    The practice is unbroken to this date and the democrat symbol was born!



    Great thread, Bum! Good idea! Keep it going!

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    Thanks Dog..............the joke i get is thru email from friends....i thought i'd share................
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

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    Here's a joke that is so very wrong but funny.

    A teenage girl asks her father..."Dad, can I have 50$?".
    The father replies, "Sure but you gotta suck my dick".
    So the girl says "God dad what the hell is wrong with you?!?!"
    Her father says "Well if you want it, that's what you gotta do".
    Needing the 50$ desperately the girl sucks her fathers dick. While she is blowing her dad she says, "eew dad! your dick smells like shit!" Her father says, "No way, keep going". The girl says "no really! It does!"
    The dad says, " Oh yeah that's right! Your brother wanted to borrow the truck this morning."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

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    The Blonde on Air Canada





    AN AIR CANADA PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO,



    WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
    SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.



    SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT
    SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO
    AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
    THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
    BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE
    BACK TO HER SEAT.



    THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE



    SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO
    AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



    THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE
    WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
    THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.


    THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M
    MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."


    HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH,
    I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES
    BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.


    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE
    SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.



    "I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO".
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

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    Joke: The Barber Appointment

    A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

    The barber looks around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

    A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

    barber
    Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

    A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

    The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

    In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

    "To your house!"
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

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    Quote Originally Posted by StarDust Bum View Post
    "I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO".



    I think I know her!

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    The Blond Detective Exam


    A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

    "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

    The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
    The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

    The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

    The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

    He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

    The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

    The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

    He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

    "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

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    Joke: The Angry CEO

    General Motors, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

    On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

    He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

    A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

    The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

    Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that bloody slacker did here?"

    From across the room came a voice: "That was the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

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    Quote Originally Posted by StarDust Bum View Post
    "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"


    That's the best one yet! These are great, Bum! Thanks!

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    John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out.

    John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

    Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

    So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

    And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

    Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

    Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!!"

    The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

    "Not always," answers Jessica, "only when he's drunk."
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

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    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
    So I took her to a gas station.
    And that's when the fight started...

    joke fighting with the wife

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
    She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."
    And that's when the fight started...

    joke fighting with the wife

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
    kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
    My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
    "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
    drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
    hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think that a person could go on
    celebrating that long?"
    And that's when the fight started...

    joke fighting with the wife

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
    order first.
    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And that's when the fight started...

    joke fighting with the wife

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And that's when the fight started...

    - Advertisement -

    joke fighting with the wife

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
    And that's when the fight started...
    joke fighting with the wife

    My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
    And that's when the fight started...

    joke fighting with the wife

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
    Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

    The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap. That must be my husband!"
    So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked he jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
    screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"
    The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you RUNNING?"
    And that's when the fight started...

    joke fighting with the wife

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
    grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
    I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
    My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
    And that's when the fight started...

    joke fighting with the wife

    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
    "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
    And that's when the fight started...

    joke fighting with the wife

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No," she answered.
    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started...
    Remember the 3 G's Gambling, Golf, Girls not in any particular order.....

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